FUEL is an annual collaboration between Rochester-area printer Cohber Press and the region’s top creative talent, producing a collectable yearly calendar for clients and the marketing and advertising community. For 2016, 12 writers were asked to craft a letter to someone—living or dead, real or imagined—based on the year’s theme: LOST & FOUND. For the July 2016 entry, Truth Collective Creative Team Leader and copywriter Joe Moore came in hot.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
300 E. Street S.W.
Washington, D.C. 20024
To whom it may concern,
Fuck you, NASA. Sure, you may have found some fancy ice mountains and moon canyons when you finally got around to your belated Pluto flyby. But say hello to the 900-hundred-pound meteoroid in the room, rocket jockeys.
Ten years ago, I lost a planet.
Even now I ask myself how it’s possible. There are numbers you just don’t mess with: 7 Wonders of the World. 12 Days of Christmas. 31 Flavors®. NINE PLANETS. But oh no—it’s 2006, let’s forget everything we’ve ever known, rewrite all the textbooks! The Lords of Space have spoken, and suddenly Pluto is a “dwarf planet.” (Nice bit of sizeism, there, BTW. Must of felt brave throwing that one out 4 billion miles into the merciless icy void.)
And what makes you so special anyway? You think your methane surface doesn’t stink? Because I hope you and your international astro-cronies realize that you’ve relegated a renowned celestial body to a lesser league, doomed to kick around with a bunch of losers from the Kuiper Belt and the occasional slumming moon of Neptune. Feel good, ground control?
I can practically hear your catty comments now. ”Oh, it's got a moon almost half its size.” “Its orbit is SO inclined relative to the ecliptic.”
Listen up, you righteous telescope peepers. No amount of shiny satellite selfies is going to make up for what you did. When we lost #9, you lost me. And don’t even get me started on killing the Shuttle program.
Actually, that was probably a good move.